This summer we taught the K-5 kids at church about creativity and uniqueness, making the point that God created them uniquely and that they each have a unique purpose to fulfill in life.
Along with that teaching came a blog post by Reggie Joiner, a great author and pioneer of the NextGen ministry strategy Orange, in which he discusses uniqueness and the impact it has on the life of a child. One point he made has been sticking with me since I first read it a couple months ago:
How often do you actually say something that encourages a sense of uniqueness in your children? It may seem strange but when my kids were younger, I would say things like, “Sarah, I just want you to know that you are my favorite second-born daughter.” She would reply with a sigh, “Dad, I’m your only second-born daughter!” I would smile and say, “Exactly.” There are a number of ways you can be intentional about saying things to your kids that add to their sense of uniqueness. Be specific. For example instead of saying, “You are a good writer,” you might say something like, “I can tell by your writing that you think in a very detailed way.”
I think that this point is so true, not only for kids, but for pretty much everyone. Maybe it’s just me, but if given the option, I would prefer a detailed compliment (or critique) over a generic one every time! Details add value to feedback and to the person receiving the feedback, and details cut out any worry about what’s being left unsaid.
“You’re doing a great job,” vs. “You are gifted at connecting with kids in conversation, and showing them they’re important to you by your eye contact and listening ear.”
“You’re getting so good at basketball,” vs. “You’ve really improved your ball-handling skills, and your jump shot has come a long way since the beginning of the season.”
“You’re going to be a world-changer one day,” vs. “Your compassionate heart and ability to speak the truth in love is amazing. Not everyone is like that. Keep exercising those gifts and you will continue to make a difference as you grow.”
We have to remember that every person we encounter, whether a volunteer, friend, person we are ministering to, family member, employee, spouse, etc., is coming to the table with a very unique background, gift set, and frame of mind that God has given them. Therefore, we should approach them with unique thoughts and feedback.
Maybe you’re thinking, “Emily, if I tell someone they’re doing a good job, shouldn’t that be enough for them? Why should I have to make any more of an effort than that?”
Sure. It’s enough. I’ll take any ounce of feedback, generic or not. But think about it this way: Would you rather receive a birthday card from someone that just has their name signed inside, or one that has a few handwritten sentences added in addressed specifically to you? Or if you’re getting a gift from your best friend or your spouse, how would you feel if they just handed you a gift card to Target? I like gift cards, and I like Target, but instead imagine if they took your top love language into account (for me it’s quality time) and built a gift for you around that (like when my friends planned a day of adventuring to new coffee shops for my birthday)? The impact made by going the extra mile, or even the extra step, is so valuable in investing in your relationship with that person.
I also think of it this way: When you can call out a specific greatness in a person’s life, they are more likely to focus on improving in that specific skill and less likely to waste time in areas that aren’t a great fit for them. Painting someone with a broad brush will only result in broad attempts to get better. Giving someone specific feedback will cut out any unknowns and help them grow in a detailed, focused way.
Ephesians 2:10 tells us that we are God’s handiwork, his masterpiece, his work of art. 1 Corinthians 12 and 1 Peter 4 show us that God has given each of us gifts and talents that are unique to each of us. Let’s each do our part to celebrate the diversity in each of his children and recognize the specific gifts he has placed inside each one.
I challenge you to change up how you give feedback for one week. Every time you compliment or critique someone, exchange your generic phrases for specific ones. Yes, it’s a little more work, but at the very least you’ll be investing a little more in the relationship. You might even be touching on someone’s love language or initiative to improve themselves, and your words could have an exponentially more beneficial effect. If you find that it’s bringing value to your relationships, stick with it indefinitely.
Emily Keymon 